I live in an older development on a half-acre of land in suburban Philadelphia. While I may not have to worry about bears or lions showing up to devour my family, I do have my own version of Wild Kingdom going on in my backyard at times.
One day last week, I had to do a phone interview with a company CEO for an article I was writing. With my office being in my home, I try to make sure my dogs cannot be heard by another party when I am on the phone. When the weather is good, “the girls” will play in the yard or sit in the shade and just enjoy their near utopian existence so I can work in peace. I do check on them periodically. While my dogs love their yard, occasionally, they have been known to dig tunnels under the fence and make a break for it. Well, it’s my big dog, Frankie, who is the instigator in this activity. My little pooch, LuLu, goes along with Frankie out of peer pressure.
Anyway, I was doing the phone interview with this CEO, and I heard a weird sound emanating from outside. My first thought was that one of my dogs was stuck trying to escape, but the sounds were not the sounds either of my dogs would make. They were high-pitched, disturbing screams which led me to believe they were coming from my next door neighbor’s house.
I should explain. I have heard these types of screams emitting from her house before when her windows were open and her boyfriend was visiting. It’s the kind of screaming where you don’t know whether you should be mad, scared or really jealous. Knowing this woman’s personality, I usually vote for scared. I have to admit, there was one time when she and her boyfriend were on her deck, and I would have changed my vote to jealous. That is an entirely different story that will have to be saved for another time when everyone who might be reading it can prove to me they are at least 18 years of age.
Anyway, with phone in hand, and interviewee still on the line, I headed toward the source of the screeching noise. I opened the backdoor, and immediately my heart began to race. By my vegetable gardens, I could see my dogs, and they were engaged in hand-to-hand combat with a woodchuck, ground hog or some kind of creature like that.
I will have to admit that I do not know the difference between many of these critters. I can identify skunks, raccoons and deer, but that is where my expertise ends. This furry creature did resemble the ground hog, Punxsutawney Phil, who comes out every February 2nd to tell us if spring is on the way. However, this animal was a lot bigger, and he did not look quite as happy as Phil since each of my dogs had one of its legs in their mouths, and the animal was about to be drawn and quartered.
You might have guessed this about me by now, but I don’t do calm very well. In fact, panic is pretty much my strong suit. I dropped the phone and started to wave my arms in a wild motion hoping I would grab the attention of my dogs who seemed intent on pulling apart this rodent-looking creature. When my flailing failed to distract the pooches, I started to yell. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? GET AWAY! STOP IT! LET GO OF THOSE PAWS! DON’T YOU DARE EAT THAT ANIMAL!”
Then I heard this voice screaming at me from a distance, and I realized I left the man I was interviewing on the phone. “Donna, where are you? Are you okay? Should I call 911?”
I ran back to the phone which was lying in the grass and in a surprisingly professional voice I said, “My dogs are tearing apart some kind of animal. Could you hold just one minute?”
The man had to think I was a psycho, but I didn’t even wait for an answer. I threw the phone back on the lawn and ran to get the garden hose. I turned on the water and dragged the hose back to where the animal tug of war and screeching was taking place. In my haste, I tripped over the hose, and yes, I got boo boos which inspired me to let out another set of colorful expletives. To my credit, my bloody knees would not prevent me from saving that bold critter that came into my yard to feed on my garden.
I felt like a super cop in one of those action movies. From the ground, I hoisted myself up on my scraped elbows, took aim with the hose like a sharpshooter and blasted both dogs and the critter. All three were pretty shocked when that water hit them. The dogs, who hate the hose, immediately let go of the animal and took off to hide behind trees. Still trembling with fear, the alien critter stared at me but made no attempt to leave the yard.
I think it guessed that as long the water was running, it was safe from the dogs. I took a closer look at the creature and noticed there was no blood. This animal wasn’t hurt. I had to admit that I was impressed with this animal’s acting ability. However, that respect did not entitle it to a free smorgasbord at my vegetable garden. So, I turned the hose on it again, and it scurried under my loud neighbor’s fence.
I put the hose on the ground which was a signal to the girls that all was safe. Then, I took them inside and gave them tons of doggie breath fresheners.
As I was lying in bed that night, a strange thought entered my brain and I said aloud. “Where the hell did I put the phone?”
Then I realized that the phone was still outside on the lawn, and I never got back to the CEO. Yep, he had to have heard the whole thing. Yeah…I had a lot of explaining to do the next day.